Friday, October 14, 2005

Hectic Friday

Lady's clubs like to have their lectrures in the afternoons on Friday because the lunch break is long , to acomodate Friday prayers and so I had agreed to give a lunchtime lecture for the women staff of KUTM in Air Keroh today. So it was a mad rush from Masjid Tanah to Air Keroh and back again. It's no joke talking for an hour during bulan puasa but of course that is nothing compared to the training I did last weekend, that was being on the move and talking facilitating for 8 hours while fasting!But of course we have gotten used to it..But today , after the mad rush to and from Air Keroh back to my clinic to see patients before and after , I had a buka puasa date with hubby and he cannot see well enough to drive , because of the optic neuritis he is recovering from..and as I mentioned before , I am not the world's best driver!
And clinic today had quite a number of special cases..one was a pakcik who was quite degil( stubborn). He knew he had hypertension 2 years ago and refused to do follow up prefering to share his wife's hypertension medicene instead since his wife went for regular check ups. And as sometimes happens, his wife who went for regular check ups passed away, while the stubborn pakcik survived his wife, minus the medication he used to take from her ...
And so when I checked him today , his BP was 200/150mmhg. My usual emergency management is to crush 10mg of nifedepine and place it under the tongue to be absorbed sublingually and it was only by telling the pakcik since he did not swallow it he did not break his fast did I manage to persuade him to take it. He kept looking at his watch, as if I was keeping him from something important.His BP did drop 10mmhg for both the systolic and diastolic but I felt it was still dangerously high. I talked to him steadily calmly and slowly , addressing also his daughter whom I had invited to join the discussion. I then wrote a referral and said to the daughter , do not use harsh language , he was stressed enough, what with having to cope with his wife's recent passing and I left the decision to him and his children. I feel that is the best I could do...I had considered suggesting spiritual healing but perhaps I was also pressed for time and did not get around to it.

The other special case was a lady who came all the way from Johor , some 4 hours away, and, her sister who had recommended she see me came from Kuala Lumpur. I listened and listened, and for cases like this , it is what I do best. Listen with compassion feeling my heart space expanding and accomodating her problems within, being a witness and connecting to God via prayer and zikr. I gave her a verse from the Quran which we commonaly call ayat 1000 dinar which for me has always been a miraculous verse and told her to have full faith . I also told her even though it seemed like her problem was insurmountable and the only way out was to seek a divorce , still there was one option yet left untried and that was to change her internal feeling about her abusive husband . I told her , you despise him and he can feel it even if you do not put it in words. You look down on him and he in his turn wants to show you who is boss. Marital rape is about exertion of power. So I said, if you cannot respect him then respect his position of husband. If he has good the size of a grain of rice then focus on that and ask God to expand his goodness.Whatever it is , it is worth a try , even as you work to free yourself from a bad marriage. She had actually married below her status, she is a teacher while he is a taxi driver with little education. It is my experience that such cases go into marital abuse rather easily.

Finally I prescribed for her a homeopathic remedy to strengthen her spirit so that she could have the strength to do what she needed to do. I also called her sister back in and asked her to help her sister all she could.

Her sister asked me in private, can I direct her husband to see you? By all means I said, for I had felt the husband truly needed help .You judge him to be a monster? I see a man trying to be a husband and trying to get his wife to accept him but not knowing how to gain her love and respect, resorting to bullying and control instead. Would he be willing to change? For the sake of their 3 children , living in emotional trauma, I pray so.
When she left I felt a coolness in my chest. I usually do after seeing cases that needed me to give my full attention, my healing presence and my prayers . I kind of feel healed after the sessions.
It did not use to be like this..I used to get exhausted by such cases. Perhaps because I did not know enough not to exert myself but to allow the Divine to work through me, for God is the healer and we , we are only God's servants.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your second special case is so interesting. I particularly like the perspective you've taken and how you are able to look at this controversial issue of marital rape, without being judgemental. I can see that you definitely are not taking the stand of just being a woman. It always pisses me off to see how the feminists would see and judge this kind of issue.

I'd appreciate if you can keep us informed of the development of this case, or some write up on marital rape. Do you, for example agree with how the problem has been tackled in the west. How should a Kadhi in the Shariah Courts, for example tackle the issue.

Anonymous said...

:) MasyaAllah it is a different and more beneficial way of looking at domestic violence. It takes such a big-hearted person to do so, and it is reassuring that such people do exist in this world of ours, alhamdulillah. I feel I have a ways to come before being able to look at such a situation with an objective perspective, my feminine side rushing to the side of the poor lady and demonising the man, when he is obviously in need of help too. I recently heard of what seems like an unfair hearing (he did not give the lady a fair chance to tell her side of the story, and the husband embellished his story a lot) and subsequent ruling by a qadhi in a divorce case. I wonder sometimes if these qadhis lack: a) ihsan, b) fear of Allah, c) objectivity, or d) all of the above. Is this common in our courts? The qadhi needs help too, methinks. It is people like this who give the so-called feminist movement more fuel.

Suriya said...

Omigosh! I had no idea it was such an unusual way to look at domestic violence!Indeed pycno I will give it a think and do a write on it but it is a pretty emotive subject and I avoid raising people's heckles up needlessly.Each case, in my opinion, has to be seen individually .
It also takes two to tango. Each problem we face with relationships is a tango and it is the moves we make that brings about the consequent reactions.No..I am not about to ask women to tolerate and take the abuse...
As for the male biased qadhi..it is indeed a problem but in Malaysia not insurmountable.We get around it by understanding the qadhi mindset and preparing well..something victim types do not have the resources to do.Can we make a stance that each person makes their choices which leads to the consequences we see?When we belong to the empowered and enabled group, it is one of our tasks as Khalifah of God to help those in need, oppressor and opressed for in their own ways both are victims and both need help.

dith said...

Alhamdulillah. Occasionaly I too do get the coolness in the chest after giving long satisfying counselling. But of course none as intensive as yours, I daresay! You are indeed a healer at heart! How did you acquire the art, may I ask?

Marital rape is a term which encompasses many definations and conotations. Is it permissable in our religion that's another question. As long as there are staunch 'muslim feminists' fighting for the so-called female muslims' rights against orthodox qadhi who are not open for discussions then the whole issue will remain an enigma.

I sort of able to see how you approached this particular case. You must have felt that this lady must also have her faults to begin with. Yes, insyallah, hopefully when the husband sees you, you can delve deeper into why he does these despicable acts of his.

Alhamdulillah. You should start a healing center!

drnehar said...

akum mck su.el here.just came back from umrah alhamdulillah.umrah during ramadhan... masyaAllah. :) insyaAllah esok start keje, but not sure if my body can carry me to work. hehe. wokes... take care. hugs

Suriya said...

Hi El
Good tii hear from you! Umrah Must have been a wonderful experience indeed will check your blog to see your acount of it

Dr Roza

A healing center and retreat is something that I have been thinking of starting

Beatrix
I will try my best to live up to your impressions about me. Alas I caught myself doing some not so nice things during my meeting with siblings..I spent some agonising moments reviewing my slips of the tongue..I promise myself to do away with my slips and stay focused more on listening.. this blog is where I express myself after a day of listening

Suriya said...

Dr Roza wants to know where I learnt the spiritual counselling and healing techniques.
I am an initiate of a healing order was trained.The training includes prayers zikr and medication, self developement

Led said...

I think I am dying of loneliness...

Anonymous said...

Doctor, it's such a wonderful feeling to know that people like you are here... one that can be depended upon...

may Allah bless you always.