Monday, November 06, 2006

Memperlekehkan secara menyeluruh versus menghormati manusia

Memperlekehkan secara menyeluruh versus menghormati manusia (Invalidation versus respect )

“Semua lelaki tak guna!” Eja menengking selepas dia di tipu oleh seorang jejaka yang akhirnya telah menipunya dan mengambil semua duitnya serta mencabul kehormatannya. Betul atau tidak penyata yang di buat oleh Eja? Adakah benar semua lelaki itu tak guna? Adakah benar orang Melayu semua pemalas? Adakah benar semua orang putih tak bermoral? Adalah benar semua ahli politik rasuah?

Maka bila kita membuat suatu penyata yang memberi sebuah deskripsi yang menyeluruh terhadap semua anggota golongan yang disebut , itu dinamakan penyatai yang memperlekehkan seluruh kumpulan itu..

Melihat kembali kepada penyata yang dibuat oleh Eja, apa implikasi penyata ini untuk Eja? Apa pula untuk lelaki yang bermuamalah dengan Eja kelak? Bagaimana sikap Eja terhadap lelaki dan apa yang akan berlaku pada tingkah laku Eja dan seterusnya hubungan Eja dengan mana-mana lelaki?

Sebenarnya memperlekehkan secara menyeluruh mempunyai kesan yang besar kepada sikap yang akan di ambil oleh individu yang berpandangan demikian. Sikapnya adalah sikap prejudis dan prasangka terhadap golongan yang diperlekehkan. Sikap prejudis ini akan menghalang individu yang mengamalkanya dari membuat pertimbangan yang waras dan adil. Ia juga membawa pengamalnya kedalam suatu keadaan dengan menganggapkan dirinya dalam kelompok yang benar dan betul serta memandang serong orang lain dan kaum lain.

Sikap sebaliknya adalah menghormati manusia walau dari golongan mana sekalipun , bersangka baik dan menghormati orang lain dengan pendirian mereka masing-masing. Memang sukar bagi seorang untuk cuba memahami orang lain, apatah lagi jika ada perbezaan perspektif dan penglaman. Namun demikian seorang yang bersikap terbuka dan enggan meletakkan label kepada sesuatu golongan atau kumpulan akan dapati sikap terbukanya mendapat sambutan dari berbagai golongan. Mungkin orang demikian akan dapati dirinya menjadi orang tengah dalam perbalahan atau rundingan antara berbagai golongan.

Satu lagi aspek memperlekehkan secara menyeluruh adalah bila kita tidak dapat nampak sebarang kebaikkan dalam orang yang kita benci. Sebenarnya semua manusia ada baik dan ada buruk , ada salah dan ada betul. Seorang yang adil akan dapat lihat kebaikkan walaupun kebaikkan itu berada dalam orang yang dia benci dan akan dapat lihat keburukkan walaupun keburukkan itu berada dalam orang yang disayangi.Sikap adil ini dituntut dalam Islam. Banyak ayat-ayat Quran yang mengecam orang yang tidak berlaku adil. Antaranya seperti dibawah ini:

Dan barangsiapa berbuat demikian dengan melanggar hak dan aniaya, maka Kami kelak akan memasukkannya ke dalam neraka. Yang demikian itu adalah mudah bagi Allah. (QS. 4:30)

Wahai orang-orang yang beriman, jadilah kamu orang yang benar-benar penegak keadilan, menjadi saksi karena Allah biarpun terhadap dirimu sendiri atau ibu bapak dan kaum kerabatmu. Jika ia kaya ataupun miskin, maka Allah lebih tahu kemaslahatan. Maka janganlah kamu mengikuti hawa nafsu karena ingin menyimpang dari kebenaran. Dan jika kamu memutar balikkan (kata-kata) atau enggan menjadi saksi, maka sesungguhnya Allah adalah Maha Mengetahui segala apa yang kamu kerjakan. (QS. 4:135)

Hati-hatilah kita bila dapat berita atau khabar dari orang tentang orang yang sama ada kita sayang atau kita benci. Takut kita akan terlalu mudah percaya orang yang kita sayang dan terlalu mudah tidak percaya orang yang kita benci. Disebaliknya amalkanlah sikap menghormati manusia, kawan baikpun lawan dan dengan menghormati mereka, berlaku adillah terhadap meraka dengan menegur secara baik apa yang salah dan dengan menerima dengan baik apa yang betul

Dr Suriyakhatun Osman (AJK Wanita JIM Pusat)

certified professional coach

bahagian satu

Siri 8 bingkai negatif yang perlu dianjakkan

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Who did it to you?

So, you are angry...Who did it to you?

In the Coaching Power Tools class there are eight negative frames we may find ourselves in. One of the frames is Blame versus Responsibility. People in the blame mode will blame their circumstances on other people."I did it because she made me do it", or, "it is my parent's fault, I did not get enough attention when I was small ", etc and etc. Those in the blame frame of mind act as victims in that they cannot help themselves because the circumstances are not in their control. They spend time being annoyed and irritated by people and blaming others for whatever mood they are in.On the other hand, taking responsibility is taking the initiative to change.
About the moods and states we find ourselves in. The brain is very good at making up reasons why it is in any state of emotion.A person who is angry will find reasons for the anger and act on the reasons. Perhaps they will never have a clue that the anger is because of a liver problem or a bad curry meal that they had which makes them intolerent of the people around them. Perhaps an angry person would be able to deal better with the anger when they learn not to escalate their anger by focusing on being angry with people but instead work on their own anger and bring it down.
An experiment done on a person who had the connection between the two lobes of the brain cut (this was a treatment long ago for epilepsy) proves that the brain will find a reason even though it is not the real reason.
One side of the brain is connected to one eye and , what is seen only by one eye. the left eye which is connected to the right brain which is the subsconsious in a person who is right handed will not be consciously known to the person whose connection between the 2 sides have been cut ( corpus callosum)
This person's left eye was shown an image of a snow shovel . He was then shown 4 pictures depicting a house in the four seasons. He picked the picture of the house in winter. When asked why he picked out this picture, he said it reminded him of last winter and being housebound during a particularly cold weather. Of course we know the reason why he picked the picture is because he was shown an image of a snow shovel but , he did not consciously know and , his brain made up a reason. We do this all the time. So , next time you feel annoyed or irritated or intolerant, try to change your frame of blaming it on other people and find out what is wrong within yourself.

I think many crimes of passion where people picked up whatever is closest to them and just threw it at someone or stabbed someone with it are crimes of blame and misdirected anger.

There was a case in the newspapers a long time ago about a mother who beat her children to death with a broom. I frequently thought about the poor mother who did it to her children and think she did it out of uncontrolled anger, probably her anger had nothing to do with her children. I have a fear that someday someone may kill me out of anger and would have to live with this . You may think it is an insane fear but Ibn Arabi was beaten to death by someone who was angry with the truths he brought. So, it is not so far fetched.

Yesterday on the front page of the STAR was the sad picture of a woman who lost her husband to snatch thieves. When her husband prevented the thieves from snatching his wife's handbag by driving his motor faster, one of the thieves angrily kicked his wheels and the fall caused him to have a brain injury from which he died.

Anger is a violent emotion that either moves one to positive action when the anger is a right anger, or it eats one up on the inside when unexpressed or, it destroys relationships, property and even lives when wrongly expressed.

I think I understand now why a man who wrote to me chose to live alone and work alone. He knew it was the best for him and for others because he knew of his condition.He had a boderline personality disorder and became abusive to people around him .When he was angry he became abusive and intolerent of even the smallest imperfections in the people around him . I had told him I did not think it was right to isolate himself but I now think he is right when he replied that in order to have any kind of relationship with people, one has to be kind, to be tolerant and to put up with people's failings.He said he also has to learn to say sorry.Until he was able to do it, he told me, he would not let anybody suffer his company.

This guy who wrote to me had an illness with a label.The problem with having a condition which can be labelled by psychiatrists is that it makes one a victim. You can say, my brain is wired differently, the chemicals are not normal. This may very well be so. I know my whole family is prone to depression and I have had depression before when for days I could not face the world. I had also had my fair share of being angry with the world and with people around me. The whole family has a history of one neurosis or another. Does that make me a victim? Or , do I overcome it? Do I recognise the build up of depression or anger and know it is time to correct my diet or make sure I take a remedy or do my zikrs and seek out my spiritual teacher ...It is all about self awareness and knowing to create the gap between action and reaction.It is about taking charge of one's life and moving on and growing beyond the problem.Surely as the Prophet SAW promised, for every illness , there is a cure and the cure for this one is discipline , self awareness and a constant vigilance over SELF.