Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I have not been blogging lately thanks to a a bug I caught . This particular virus is called the lazy bug ! I have managed to fill my mind with a load of stuff that are perhaps not worth the time of day. I used the word perhaps and this is because I am not really sure if it is not worth anything.
Everything one does , all that one focuses on and all that one thinks about will definitely have an impact on oneself . More so for me, being an empath I not only see people , I absorb their emotions and states.
I am addicted to some people and some dramas on tv . I actually know why. They give me a good feeling in my heart . I avoid those that do not give me a good feeling but I do not mind feeling sad and love lorn ! Indeed , what I found out after overdosing myself on K drama is that I allowed myself to get emotionally moved and it helped me crack open a door that I think had been almost shut for a some time. This door is the door of my emotions. I had been feeling rather flat and dull , with not much amplitude in my emotions and I know it is a state I get into from time to time when I do not travel , do not move myself from my daily routine , and do not do or attend any workshops or seminars. I told my beloved spouse I must have shut down my passion.
Which is why when my friend called to tell me a classmate was found dead, I burst into tears . Tears of grief , of shock , of regret and a hundred and one emotions . Tini , I think everybody in class either envied or admired you or both ! Myself included! You lived a full and vibrant life , and I think that you died in the prime of your life , while people around you loved and needed you. You will be sorely missed by your family and friends and patients.
Dr Haliza Shafie was my classmate.Tini is her nickname . She was also the best student in my batch . This Batu Gajah Perak girl became a paediatrician and I heard she was an ardent hiker and she died while checking out a hiking site in the jungle at Melawati .
Tini my dear friend, Allah bless you and accept your soul . Your death has made me more aware of how precious my time is for I do not know when YOU will call me back . I know when the time comes I cannot argue with YOU to say I am not ready or that I still have things to do .
What is going to count when I am gone? Is it how much money I made? How much fame I aqquired ? Or , is it about how many lives I manage to touch and enrich ? How much love I give and receive ? How much I put into this life that makes a difference to people , that builds them up , emotionally spiritually , intellectually and physically.
It brings me to realise my needs . At the last MAP meeting ( Malaysian Association of Psychotherapy) a speaker was talking about psychometry tests and when he came to the part of the test about Needs . I almost jumped. Here I write a few needs. They may not be my needs or maybe all of them are human needs to some degree .
Need to control
Need to be right
Need to please people
Need to be popular
Need to be liked
Need to be in the limelight
Need to connect to people deeply
Need to communicate
The list is endless! And what lies beyond these needs are the reasons we have these needs and I think it is worth digging our hearts to find this reason behind these needs.
For me, one of the biggest needs I have that seems to be so difficult to have is the need to connect to people deeply and to communicate. I used to be able to share my thoughts very openly and as time went by , I realise more and more how much I needed to filter out certain things from certain people and under certain circumstances and the more civilised one gets , the less one is able to bare the soul !
Before this meeting , there was this seminar that I was involved in. It was organised by the Malaysian Council of Homeopathy and I was speaking about my new baby ...still gestating . My Bachelor of Science in Homeopathic Medicine at Cyberjaya University College of Medical Sciences. I should be having a great deal of anxiety over this since not only is working in a university a new experience for me , but I am going to be among skeptics and those who would probably be pushing me to my limits . I am going to be sailing in uncharted waters and perhaps making new maps . Yet the anxiety refuses to come. Instead there is this exhilaration and anticipation . Perhaps I have been waiting all my life for this . And I am thinking what need is this fulfilling ? Perhaps I have been waiting for my mind to be stretched , for an intellectual discourse and a social interaction with people whom I have chemistry with ( they are the ones I am addicted to ..it makes me happy to interact with them ) . Perhaps I have been waiting to synergise with people I like . Perhaps I have always been the adventurer who gets resltess staying in one place, needing the stimulation of different groups of people under different circumstances .
And , if I seem to have become younger than my age , perhaps it is because I am that in this new field .
To my future bosses, please tolerate my ignorance and teach me ! Some of you are younger than me but I am younger than you in experience in this field . To my future students, here is to a warm and loving relationship full of fun and learning. To my future colleagues , let us give it our all, put our hearts and minds to what we want to do and make this happen!
Every now and then you meet people you would like to get to know better.
I met a couple of them this weekend
Faikis is one of them for me . This is a video of him playing the guitar and singing which he seems to do pretty well !
I will be working with the other some time this year .
Really looking forwards to a new role