Monday, November 29, 2004

The dilemma

Now this post is about my work , at least one aspect of my work and that is seeing patients.
I think this blog is to help me sort out my attitude towards this .

I have a clinic and it is a walk in one , except I insist that those who come in for healing and complementary therapies make an appointment!

The problem with this system is that sometimes the appointment comes at the end of a very long day and I m just too tired to give my best and the other problem is that patients still come from some far away place and want to see me during my regular walk in patient time which creates a jam in my clinic because the alternative treatment consultations take more time.

I know I need more time for other things as well and sometimes number of cases that are merely routine makes me feel pretty dull. Then in between the routine cases will be one that needs more attention and because I ve become dull, I miss paying attention!

But what do I do? Seeing patients pays my bills and gives me the money to travel and do the other things I want to do.

Also , I like to help people by helping them overcome their illnesses and their blocks and their woes and pains.

But I do not like routine and routine cases. I feel it makes me dull and it also makes me feel mediocre.
What makes me feel worse is when panel patients turn me into a dispenser by telling me what medication they want or , they turn me into a clerk by asking me for a referal to the specialist over some small ailment which I could easily treat. But some of these grouses are because of my ego , I can see that and perhaps a good way to remain humble is to allow them to do this. After all the loss is not mine but their , in that they cannot see what I have to offer.

Now that is another frustration! You cannot go about telling people your ablities and sometimes patients come in expecting you to treat them to the fullest of your ability but because of the limitations of a walk in practise, I am often limited by time constraints!

And of course there are times I feel like I am being under used because I do not use my full ablities in helping patients while I know I am not mediocre, I am forced to be mediocre.

Wait a minute, who and what is forcing me?

How can I change this?

OK these are thoughts to work with and I ll get back to this post with more reflections on these grouses that actually cause me a lot of stress everyday!

Friday, November 26, 2004

Today was special

Blogging is fun for those who like to write. I certainly do and I feel it quite a waste to let thoughts disappear in the circuits of the mind, lost somewhere in the convoluted maze of the brain.

Something interesting happened to me these last two days.

First , I got myself into some deep shit. Now you 'd wonder why I say that. I think when you step on people's toes intentionally or otherwise then somehow you kind of get yourself in trouble and for a person like me, I think I am a gentle soul, it really hurts to hurt people.

I even wrote about it in a poem :

Wounded Healer:
I feel the stirrings of a song
That wants to sing to your dance
It's sad melancholy tune
Making itself heard slowly, surely

I feel the stirrings of love
For the people behind the wounded wounding words
I want to heal the words
But know not how
To have words of truth that cut not
like a scalpel
Removing what pains with pain

Friend, see you not how
You reflect yourself and me?
See you not how your hurt becomes my hurt?
Can you see your wounds in the mirror of my heart?

Well so much for not hurting people , as I said earlier I put myself in deep shit by trying to warn people of the harm that can happen when you take on certain modes of beliefs.

Ok so I asked my teacher about it and even told him of a dream I had: Wierd dream, kind of funny even

I dreamt I kind of made a wrong turn when I was walking to some destination: actually this is quite typical of me and found myself slipping on a slippery slope at the end of which was a huge pile of cow dung: Errr anotther name for this is bullshit ! So I then fell of course and found myself waste deep in bullshit. Notice the metaphor? Then the funniest thing happened, this shit had a life of it's own , ( this is a dream remember, wierd things can happen) some of the shit that did not cover me rose up like a huge wave and tried to engulf me in more shit. But I d had enough and I waved my hand and commanded the shit to stop . The shit stopped dead in its tracks and fell back onto itself like a wave crashing back into the sea! Amazing ! I told my teacher about it and he said, well, you can get yourself out of that shit and clean yourself up . I guess I can and will!He also said, you can save yourself from the shit, look, you could stop the shit from engulfing you!

Then today I woke up with a pain in the left side of my head down to my eyes. This headache first started for me when I was about to go and get my corneal transplant and that is another story, I ll tell about it one day...about how I saw from only one eye from 20 years and now I am seeing with both..another metaphor here.... .And this headache has been coming on and off and I could not quite figure out what caused it. It seemed to be associated with a gastritis but it comes and goes and I could not quite put my finger on the problem.So anyway , I had a tough day , having to see patients through this headache but in many ways it was also a rewarding day.

I started in the morning with messages on my handphone from people I 'd messaged. There was a messege for me from the UK from a Malaysian who lived there. He wanted to talk to me about something I d asked him and he actually said he would call me from the UK. Wow that is so kind of him. I knew there were kind people in the world but I alway appreciate such kindness!

I 've had some lousy feedback in the past weeks from patients who were quite unhappy with my handling of their cases . What I notice when I get such feedback, and it has been a long time since I had any feedback like this is that it makes me more careful and caring. Not that I am not careful. Being only human , I do make mistakes and can' t have a strong focus when I have to see too many patients . Which is why I think sitting in the office waiting for patients and having a conveyof belt of patients is not the best way to see cases!

So today , I had a few of my adoring fans. Yes , the patients who love me and get well when they see me.
One in particular was really helpful in taking me out of the shit. He had been seeing me for about a year. I treated him for low self esteem and a host of other nervous problems he had that caused him to perform poorly at work. He improved so much in his job under my care that he was given a raise and lots of praise from the management. That was what he came to see me about. Apparently , the praises heaped upon him did not go down well with some of his workmates and somebody had sabotaged him over some mistake he had made and complained to the management. Luckily for him the engineer he was working under was a very reasonable man who understood his side of the story.This is one guy who is happy to see me. I also feel a healing presence when he comes in. I do not quite understand the grace and the healing that happens when we listen with a full presence in a neutral non judgemental and kind way , listening with our heart but believe me, it is very healing!.

I think that the jealousy and sabotaging is another thing I may want to take up as a topic some time, do remind me on this.

So back to my headache. I found out what was wrong!. Apparently I had been trying to cut down on caffeine and substituted choclate instead . So , after my second cup of hot chocolate today, coupled with the Mud cake I had last evening was my 29the wedding aniversary and my beloved bought me my favourite Mud Cake....the headache became really bad. Guess what cured it? A cup of coffee!!!! So much for my caffeine free resolve! My daughter thinks it is caffeine withdrawal but I think it is migraine brought on by chocolate and caffeine is a painkiller reallly!

So what was special about today.
I feel blessed. Even being in deep shit , I have so many things to be grateful for .