This evening, when I was doing my maghrib prayers, I caught sight of something someone in the house I was in had taken from me, most probably without permission. This person also owes me a lot of money he cannot pay and did lots of other things that were detrimental either to me or to my family. The reason why I was there in his house is because his mother is a close relative and I owed it to her to break my fast there , with the rest of my family.
As I felt the anger well up in me, I did not try to suppress it, I allowed myself to feel it and I also sent a prayer to God asking God to forgive me for my anger and I reminded myself of the Prophet who asked forgiveness for those who harmed him in the incident of Taif.
By the time I was saying goodbye to my hostess, I had it in me to say some kind and loving words to her but I could not bring myself to forgive her son.
Recognising my anger, I realise I have to deal with it. I have to understand what a no starter that boy is , and that his situation is so much worse than mine, that what he did to me and my family had to do with choices I had made . I think I had seen myself as a saviour and tried to save him on many occasions. I have since stopped , realising at last that it is not my job to save him.
Now I have to deal with my anger ..it is entirely my responsibility and I owe it to my dignity and my integrity to process it and transform it.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
More on emotions
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
I guess it is worse when someone else has affected your loved ones as well as yourself. Hope your path in dealing with the anger is made easy for you, amiin.
dealing with anger indeed is a very tough thing to do..n those who can control their anger r indeed strong people..luv u! *hugs*
Is dealing with anger a step-by-step process or is it possible for someone to completely take hold of it and be calm at once?
I can't control my anger when I face stupid, inconsiderate drivers on the road. I'd huff and puff in the car. If I were a roughneck I'd probably shout obsenities...luckily I'm not. But iKelah would always remind me to hold back my anger or it'll raise my already raised BP!
Dr Abu Ameenah Philips, said that Rasulullah s.a.w. asked us to manage our anger and put up a calm front eventhough we are boiling inside. If we act calm and cool and be patient, despite everything eventually we will acquire 'patience'. So it's not true with the old psychiatry way of teaching to let go off our anger and burst it out. Wallahualam
BTW, did you perposely type the entry lengthwise or is it my PC going bonkers? hehhe
Dr Roza, I dunno, It looks like the usual post to me!
When the Prophet was angry , it showed in his face, his face would grow red but he would not act on his anger. That is what we have to do, not act on our anger or act while we are angry.
To answer Crimsonskye:
The Prophet said when angry while standing sit down, and if angry when sitting lie down and if that does not work go make ablutions.What all this does is create a gap between our anger and our acting on it.
So when angry, I hold the anger and let myself feel it in my heart.I kind of cradle my anger in my chest and allow myself to experience it, as if I am looking at my inner child throwing a tantrum and I am the mother waiting patiently for the tantrum to subside, which it does eventually and then when the anger has subsided, I will question that child, why were you angry and keep asking the why question until at least 5 whys and each one will bring me closer to the real reason for anger is seldom simple .
Sometimes the anger is because of pride , then you want to see why there is that pride ..Quite a lot of times we are actually intolerent of others because we are intolerant and unforgiving of our own selves . Self forgiveness helps us to forgive others.So answering the why questions , asking our angry child self the right questions exposes our true reasons to the Nur of our awareness...
Both your explanations (Nurelhuda and Beatrix Kiddo) make sense. However, remembering and actually putting that to pratice, when you are really ANGRY may be something else. To be honest, it is very seldom that I get to actually remember or able to do just that, when I am angry.
Question: What is so wrong with letting your anger out and let the other person know exactly how you feel? Malays are well known for their high level of tolerance. But do you have to keep tolerating years and years of inefficiency, stupidity or not having simple common sense?? Dont get me wrong....I do not believe in shouting obscenities. But making it clear that you are angry and upset, and will not take this kind of stupidity (over and over again)....will that not be equally effective in conveying the message across? Giving the short, sharp, shock treatment may be the best form of treatment sometimes. Dont you get the feeling that SOMETIMES, that, may be the ONLY way to get the message across?
Hi Pycno
To not re act in anger does not mean to not ACT. I am thinking right now what I need to say to those who have harmed me and carry on as if nothing has happened . I am thinking of what to say when they come to salam me and ask my forgiveness. I am going to tell them that the forgiveness does not absolve them from the responsibility they have of putting thigs right. But, hey , this is about me not about them.
So it is for my own good that their evil deeds do not harm me in my deepest self. That I do not leave the thorns in my flesh for evermore..So I have to work it out of my system...otherwise as Dr Roza says, my blood pressure will riae or, God forbid,my body decided to grow a cancer .....I want to accomplish my tasks in life before I die ,my dad died before his age of cancer ...I learned a lot from that..he died heartbroken from all the people who stood in his way to achieve his ambitions, he died with the Phd he wanted so much but his hurts from the various toxic people in his life had worked their poison on him...My father had it in him to be one of the philosopher/thinkers of the Malay world..but he died before he could do it...
Hi Beatrix
I will heed your advice
What if they come and salam you, but have not actually ask for forgiveness, pretending as if nothing has happened?
And yes, you are right that this is about you, not about them....so that their evil deeds do not harm you in your deepest self.
Now that you have admitted that you actually want the thorn out of your flesh, wouldnt actually telling the person all the bad, cruel things he has done to you, without mincing your words, (either forgivingly or angrily) be like pulling out the thorn from your flesh once and for all !!
If it was me, after that, I can no longer look or treat the person in the same manner again. I may forgive him (silently or even openly), but I will also let him know that I will never allow myself to ever fall into his same cruel trap ever again. This is exactly what I am trying to arrive at.
Is it wrong to let him know that you are angry with him?
Sorry Nurelhuda. I am just trying to understand what you mean (exactly) when say that you should try to control your anger.
So sorry that your student here is rather slow and a very angry man, still.....
Pycno
I understand what you are saying at least I think I do. You want the person to become a better person, to realise their mistakes and do make amends. You hope that by telling them exactly what they have done they will feel sorry about it and change for the better.It won t happen..not for the most part...
As for not allowing them to hurt you anymore..I agree entirely..I forgave and forgave,kept thinking the person is better now and kept getting burned by the person...and then one day I said ..no more..no more bailing out .no more chances..
I do not believe in controlling anger, what I do believe in is in using the anger to achieve positive results.Anger is a powerful force for change..it is energy after all..
As for the person saying sorry and not meaning it..then when they say, can you forgive me for my past misdeeds towards you? Perhaps you feel they want you to let them get away with all the wrongs they have done to you...and it is likely that is true..or perhaps you think they don't really mean it..and maybe that is also true..
I think this time I will answer, yes I forgive you but I also will not allow you to do harm to me or my family ever again..I think a lot of our anger comes from allowing people to take advantage of our generousity , our sense of duty etc and etc and sometimes we take on what is not ours to take on so I guess one way out is to not do what is not ours to do..like taking on another person's responsibility or cusshioning them from facing the results of their deeds..I will write another pieace about waking people up for sahur .....and waking kids up to go to school...
I can really feel that I am not just communicating but also connecting with you. As I was jokingly telling drroza the other day that Terendak Melaka is only meant for the hard core....I just realised that maybe... I am one of those hard core who is in real need of spiritual healing here.
Nurelhuda, have you appeared on telly before? I have this feeling that I have seen and heard you before.
Maybe I will fix an appointment to see you after Raya. Who knows...you'll be the first to see and discover the real pycnogenol. :))
Pycno
Yes, I did appear on Wanita Hari Ini, TV3 a couple of times
Post a Comment