Ramadhan Thoughts

I am alive again. I think I was unconscious or very aneasthetised over the last few months or, maybe it was years! When I had the choking cough since January that last for months on end , I could not find a remedy , even though my health did not seem to be affected much , it was pretty embarassing to start coughing badly in front of my patients and what with stress incontinence , the condition was very troublesome. It lingered on , getting almost better and then coming back again.
I think I know the reaon for this cough. It was about communication. I had thoughts and ideas , I had things that I needed to say but it was not coming out. I was keeping my passions my dreams my hopes my fears and my creativitity all bottled up with no where to go , so it came out in the congestion of my lungs, and the spasm and as a choking cough. and I realise that my blogging is not a waste of time, it is answering a need within me, a need to be heard. Then again it surprises me that I still have this need to be heard because I am all the time giving these workshops and healing classes , I am seeing patients every day , doling out chunks of the way I think at people left right ad center . What I found is that it is not the same as writing them down. For me, writing is a need , it is not a frivolity , it is not a vanity , it is not even a charity to anyone but to myself.

I am finally able to fast today and it has been my disappointement that at the ripe old age of 50+ I am still having my menses which had prevented me from starting the fast at the beginning of Ramadhan. I suppose out of sheer protest , I also abandoned most of my zikrs and contemplations at this time so it was only last night when I was able to pray my Isha prayers that I finally sat in zikr and it was this morning waiting for my fajr prayers that I finally got down to reading the Quran. As I read, my mind was muling over some story and I was not fully focused on what I was reading. A part of me must have been attentive though for I suddenly found myself in tears. Deep tears of sadness, of gratitude and a humbleness that seemed to come from a depth of my soul I know exists but still cannot fathom. I know a little Arabic and Surah Al Baqarah is familiar because of frequent readings of it in the past . My tears and emotion made me read the translation. It was the part where God was having a dialogue with the Angels who questioned about God's intention of putting Adam on earth. It was about God teaching Adam the names of things and Adam knew while the Angels did not know.

I am from Adam, and I know the Names, or at least, I have the capacity to know the Names. I am from Adam and I have also within me the capacity for a greatness not given to the Angels. In all humbleness , in all my weaknesses , in all of my faults , it is within me. This is what has moved me to deep tears of sadness and I find it awakens in me my passion , which had lain asleep as I choked and choked it back in my Being resulting in my prolonged cough which seemed endless .

To understand the Names, one may want to read a chapter from Ibn Arabi's Fusus al Hikam

HERE

Yes my passion is awakened and it is sweet and painful at the same time. To be vulnerable , to be sensitive , to be able to love is also to be able to feel sadness. The deepest joy cannot be experienced except if you open yourself to the deepest hurts. The only alternative is to encrust your heart in sheets of ice and a shell...and not feel, neither joy nor hurts.

My heart was awakened by Beauty. Allah had chosen that Beauty would be seen and appreciated by me and knock on the closed door of my heart and open it . But alas for the human, when passion awakens , with it comes a bittersweet longing that sets the hapless soul on a journey of seeking the Beloved .