Who did it to you?

So, you are angry...Who did it to you?

In the Coaching Power Tools class there are eight negative frames we may find ourselves in. One of the frames is Blame versus Responsibility. People in the blame mode will blame their circumstances on other people."I did it because she made me do it", or, "it is my parent's fault, I did not get enough attention when I was small ", etc and etc. Those in the blame frame of mind act as victims in that they cannot help themselves because the circumstances are not in their control. They spend time being annoyed and irritated by people and blaming others for whatever mood they are in.On the other hand, taking responsibility is taking the initiative to change.
About the moods and states we find ourselves in. The brain is very good at making up reasons why it is in any state of emotion.A person who is angry will find reasons for the anger and act on the reasons. Perhaps they will never have a clue that the anger is because of a liver problem or a bad curry meal that they had which makes them intolerent of the people around them. Perhaps an angry person would be able to deal better with the anger when they learn not to escalate their anger by focusing on being angry with people but instead work on their own anger and bring it down.
An experiment done on a person who had the connection between the two lobes of the brain cut (this was a treatment long ago for epilepsy) proves that the brain will find a reason even though it is not the real reason.
One side of the brain is connected to one eye and , what is seen only by one eye. the left eye which is connected to the right brain which is the subsconsious in a person who is right handed will not be consciously known to the person whose connection between the 2 sides have been cut ( corpus callosum)
This person's left eye was shown an image of a snow shovel . He was then shown 4 pictures depicting a house in the four seasons. He picked the picture of the house in winter. When asked why he picked out this picture, he said it reminded him of last winter and being housebound during a particularly cold weather. Of course we know the reason why he picked the picture is because he was shown an image of a snow shovel but , he did not consciously know and , his brain made up a reason. We do this all the time. So , next time you feel annoyed or irritated or intolerant, try to change your frame of blaming it on other people and find out what is wrong within yourself.

I think many crimes of passion where people picked up whatever is closest to them and just threw it at someone or stabbed someone with it are crimes of blame and misdirected anger.

There was a case in the newspapers a long time ago about a mother who beat her children to death with a broom. I frequently thought about the poor mother who did it to her children and think she did it out of uncontrolled anger, probably her anger had nothing to do with her children. I have a fear that someday someone may kill me out of anger and would have to live with this . You may think it is an insane fear but Ibn Arabi was beaten to death by someone who was angry with the truths he brought. So, it is not so far fetched.

Yesterday on the front page of the STAR was the sad picture of a woman who lost her husband to snatch thieves. When her husband prevented the thieves from snatching his wife's handbag by driving his motor faster, one of the thieves angrily kicked his wheels and the fall caused him to have a brain injury from which he died.

Anger is a violent emotion that either moves one to positive action when the anger is a right anger, or it eats one up on the inside when unexpressed or, it destroys relationships, property and even lives when wrongly expressed.

I think I understand now why a man who wrote to me chose to live alone and work alone. He knew it was the best for him and for others because he knew of his condition.He had a boderline personality disorder and became abusive to people around him .When he was angry he became abusive and intolerent of even the smallest imperfections in the people around him . I had told him I did not think it was right to isolate himself but I now think he is right when he replied that in order to have any kind of relationship with people, one has to be kind, to be tolerant and to put up with people's failings.He said he also has to learn to say sorry.Until he was able to do it, he told me, he would not let anybody suffer his company.

This guy who wrote to me had an illness with a label.The problem with having a condition which can be labelled by psychiatrists is that it makes one a victim. You can say, my brain is wired differently, the chemicals are not normal. This may very well be so. I know my whole family is prone to depression and I have had depression before when for days I could not face the world. I had also had my fair share of being angry with the world and with people around me. The whole family has a history of one neurosis or another. Does that make me a victim? Or , do I overcome it? Do I recognise the build up of depression or anger and know it is time to correct my diet or make sure I take a remedy or do my zikrs and seek out my spiritual teacher ...It is all about self awareness and knowing to create the gap between action and reaction.It is about taking charge of one's life and moving on and growing beyond the problem.Surely as the Prophet SAW promised, for every illness , there is a cure and the cure for this one is discipline , self awareness and a constant vigilance over SELF.